EdzUp

The Idiots Who Run Charters

2006-07-19T02:51:00.000-11:00

Charters are like, not good. The people who run em aren't, ya know, sophisticated like we are. They don't talk good, and what they do talk about, ya know, is not Shakespeare and jazz music. I love shakepspeare, especially the parts that have jazz music.

But those charter guys, they're all like duh, we like charters. As you know, we in the UFT run our own charter, and we never say like duh, we like charters, because we're all like, hey let's go listen to jazz and talk about shakespeare. That's because we're from New York, and everyone knows New Yorkers are smarter than everyone in the rest of the country, especially those morons who are all like, duh we like charters. Why don't they like shakespeare and jazz, like us classy teacher types?

Everyone knows why these people tell lies, and it's because they're all like, duh unions are no good. Well, I'm here to tell you they're very good. I clear 120,000 bucks a year (before doing special jobs, so watch out you punk bastards thinking about criticizing me, goddamnit) and that's more than those charter school teachers make. In fact, that's more than public school teachers make.

We're all like, let's make things better for teachers, and that's why we have them doing potty patrol and teaching the sixth class (which is not a sixth class, you dirtbag lying bastards) and getting suspended without pay over nothing. We teachers (and by that I mean you teachers) are all modern and updated.

We worked hard to negotiate that last contract. We went to PERB, took whatever the hell they gave us, and sold it to the duespayers. Do you think that was easy? Do you know how many arms I had to twist (and break) to make that happen?

So don't go defending the idiots who rund charters to me. Well, I gotta go see if there's any shakespeare on the tube, because I gotta spend the extra hour here in UFT headquarters. Here's one "Shakespeare in Lust," on the After Dark channel, which runs 24/ 7 (I know.)

Gotta go improve my mind. Your comments are welcome, but remember we know who you are, duespayers.

New Teacher Diary

2006-05-21T03:30:00.000-11:00

Note: This is the first in a series of "New Teacher Diaries" here on Edzup. Please refrain from commenting on any issues that actually relate to teachers (particularly the contract) and say only good things in the comment section.

-Komedybiz

When Pablo set the desk on fire for the fourth time I was nearing the end of my patience. My supervisor had warned me that he was tired of calling the fire department to school, and the principal claimed that such incidents were "black eyes" for him. He instructed me to focus more on "feathers in his cap."

Still, while I wanted to chastize Pablo, I noticed that Mary and Soo Jin were climbing out the window. I couldn't tell whether they were trying to escape the flames or simply cut class again. Being on the third floor, though, I felt I needed to do something. I decided to call the dean. Imagine my surprise when I opened the phone box to find the handset had been stolen for the third time this week.

I debated whether I should use my cell phone, but while reaching for it I discovered someone had once again filched it from my pocket. Probably one of my damn students. Thank goodness I'd finally bought insurance for it. While I was contemplating this, I couldn't help but notice that Jim and Frank were once again beating Sandy to a pulp. Sandy's parents had been in to complain of this on multiple occasions, and were very unreasonable when I explained that Jim and Frank had issues with impulse control and were working them out.

I can't wait for the summer. It's not because I want to relax and have fun, but because I want to recharge my batteries, and regain my enthusiasm. I just want to continue helping these kids.

A Vote for Unity is a vote for unity

2006-05-14T07:28:00.000-11:00

UFT chapter leader/delegate elections are being held this month in schools all across the city. It is important that UFT rank and file support only Unity members for chapter leader and/or delegate. The union must be unified in its struggles with Chancellor Klein and Mayor Bloomberg. The union can only be unified through unity - which means voting for Unity.

Some may ask "why Unity?" To which Unity responds all Unity members must sign loyalty oaths and secrecy pledges to Le Gran Fromage and the greater glory of Unity. Therefore, it is a secret why you should vote for Unity and as a loyal Unity member I cannot expose these Unity secrets. Suffice it to say Le Gran Fromage and Unity have your best interests at heart, so long as they do not conflict with Unity's interests. Therefore we will fight to make sure that the next teachers contract does not give away extra time, extra days, tenure, health care and other hard won teacher rights unless that fight would detract from Unity's perks and privileges (and more importantly Le Gran Fromage's perks, privileges, and future political career).

In unity is power and in Unity are perks and privileges, which is why we intend to keep power (whether you vote for us or not). Nonetheless you'd make it easier for all of us in the union to stay unified if you'd vote Unity so that we don't have to Diebold the elections.

URRPP: UNITY Rubber Room Protection Plan

2006-05-07T04:24:00.000-11:00

URRPP is HERE!!!!

The UNITY Coordinating Hotline (UCH) reports a plan to squeeze even more money out of the members. As you Unityites know, we have offered as part of your UNITY dues structure, not only attendance at conventions (almost a thousand of us are in Rochester with two days off) at the members’ expense, but rubber room protection where our glorious leaders work behind the scenes on your behalf, even arranging transfers for you if you have problems with your principal. And if you should find yourself in the rubber room, we make sure you are treated well. We smuggle in chips and hot coffee and maybe even a sandwich or two. And we make sure you get chairs to sit on and not on rugs like the peons.

Now we are expanding our plan to the rest of the members. For just 10% of their salary we will offer them the same protection. (Well, maybe without the extra sandwich – that will be an additional 5%.) And for a few bucks extra we will even bribe your supervisors to leave you alone by offering them access to our special Top of the UNITY Pyramid (TUP) lounge in the penthouse at 52 Broadway. We can’t even repeat anything about the luxuries we have there so don’t ask or we will have to kill you.

The extra funds we collect will be used to buy upgrades for your hotels in Boston at the AFT convention this summer where you get to spend five days gamboling around Beantown at the members' expense.

LGF

On Your Knees, Duespayers!

2006-05-06T11:42:00.000-11:00

A poster responded to Cleo Lacey's typically excellent post by asking why we had not moved faster to help place a falsely accused teacher back in his classroom. The ingratitude! How dare you question Unity! How dare you take my name in vain!

If it were not for our negotiations, there wouldn't even be a regulation calling for 90-day unpaid suspension for UFT members! Do you think it was easy to negotiate that clause? It was hard work! I almost spilled my champagne during the conference call in which we wrote it.

As Cleo Lacey stated very clearly, we only wish to protect the teacher in question. We have carefully considered the matter, and determined the teacher in question would prefer no further invasions of his privacy.

As you can see, our best course of action is to ignore the matter altogether. And rest assured, we may do the same for you someday.

I will be making a brief appearance in front of UFT headquarters on Monday in case anyone wishes to touch the hem of my garment.

Finally, if Propaganda Pete is around, I adored your last email. You are an animal!

As for the rest of you, continue reading this blog, NY Teacher, and Edwize. That will provide you with all the information you need to have. You don't need any more.

You may rise.

LGF

Lissen Up, Youse Perverts!

2006-05-01T10:13:00.000-11:00

We've established a policy of zero tolerance for all youse man-boy love types. You know who you are.

So if yer accused, you get suspended for 90 days without pay. That's only if we're pretty sure you're guilty though.

Now if yer accused, and ya don't read about it here, that's cus we're tryin ta protect your rights, see? We know how you value yer privacy, so while yer in the rubber room with the other father-rapers, or out selling hot dogs on the street ta raise money fer yer mortgage payment, we won't say a word.

Count on Unity!

The Glory of Unity Revels in a New Covenant with Our Throbbing Members

2006-04-20T11:42:00.000-11:00

Our union, headed by the illustrious and heartbreakingly beautiful, collopcoquesttish Le Gran Fromage, hallowed be Her name, has ventured into the beneficent business of aiding in the recruitment of pedagogues, that we may more readily enhance the lot of our youngsters. Now, the dystopian ICE followers, and Gloomy Guses everywhere may bemoan our lack of magnamosity toward the file and rank, the dark and dank, the sailed and sank, the sum at bank, the fishy tank, the common man, not to mention the distaff contingent, but I say, FIE on those ne'er do wells and miscreants, scattering their filth upon the barren ground of opposition.

Call me sesquipedalian, rapscallion, a philodox, even but I say, as I search for esprit de l'escalier, damn the zugzwang, and I refuse to live in canstant scheissenbedauern. Their tone is that of criticasters, sandblasters, forecasters, and Telecasters!

That should be proof enough to any rational soul that we've once again defended, to the core of our very beings, the right of every pedantic prig to be zealously defended, and thoroughly innocent until proven guilty, whether or not they've been tossed out on their rears for being in arrears as a result of the wonderful 90 day unpaid suspension we cannily negotiated. Le Gran Fromage, all glory be to Her name!

Therefore, the incentive for new teachers is a good thing, brought forth by Unity, and anyone who doesn't like it should not dare speak against Unity, as that is the height of heresy and barabarism.

Praise be to Le Gran Fromage, for all She does, come hither come nigh, for you and for I, and resist the resistentialism!

Vicious Lies!

2006-04-13T03:38:00.000-11:00

There is no truthiness whatsoever to the idle rumor that Unity has an "enemies list." We have no such thing. Anyone who implies we do is engaging in vile and scurrilous rumor-mongering.

Remember, Unity is a reliable source of truthiness. Count on Unity for all your truthiness needs.

Enemeez List

2006-04-11T10:13:00.000-11:00

KAUFMAN!!!

Eterno

Eduwonk

Scott

NYC Educator

Oddly Named Bastards at UTP

A Disturbing Trend

2006-03-12T10:48:00.000-11:00

I am hearing and reading things that displease me greatly. There are rumblings about of things that simply should not be.

It is the duty of all UFT members to pay dues and support Unity. Anything else will simply not do.

You may now go about your business. Please remember there will be dire consequences for anyone who fails to heed my words.

LGF

After Stossel Protest, Killer Rabbit is Next Target

2006-02-07T02:16:00.000-11:00

Now that we have cancelled the March Delegate Assembly to protest against ABC for the Stossel report which made Le Gran Frommage look like a fool (oh my, what a slip - she was really brilliant but they used manipulative editing) we have to be prepared for those cynics at ICE and the UTP who will try to disparage us for distracting the members from the woes of contract implementation. Our wonderful public relations department has come up with a series of protests we can mount to keep the members busy. Our next target? Monty Python's killer rabbit with pointy teeth.

I can't stress enough how much of a threat this rabbit is to us. There are rumors the opposition may run it against Le Gran for president in the next election. And frankly, we are worried. We are distributing dvd's and video tapes of the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" to all chapters. We will be cancelling the April Delegate Assembly to hold a demonstration at the play "Spamalot" which features that wascally wabbit.

Does anyone have any ideas for an excuse to cancel the May Delegate Assembly?

NO NEGATIVITY ALLOWED

2006-02-05T17:10:00.000-11:00

Did you really think Unity allows free flow of ideas and believes in Freedom of Speech? Ha!

If you have the stomach to read through the endless ad hominems that substitute for discussion and political debate in certain quarters, and which some seem to have no compunction about inflicting upon other people's blogs, you will find one actual political difference...We are the only voice that counts! We will destroy the reputations of anyone with differing points of view.

The internal union politicking on this board is inexcusable and has no place in a discussion of the implementation problems created by the DOE (even if we agreed to those implementations and refused to tell you about the fine print; like LIF not really being removed until 6 years after your retirement. You'll be old and gray when that letter is finally removed!).

So let's get on board people, or else! WE ARE LISTENING... IN FACT WE GOT WIRE TAPS ON YOUR COMPUTER.

The Nerve Of The Chancellor!!!

2006-01-24T02:04:00.000-11:00

How dare Chancellor Klein offer DOE brass a 5% pay hike while many NYC public schools remain underfunded!!! The chancellor promised to cut DOE bureaucracy at Tweed, yet instead he raises the salaries of his DOE consiglieres and capos while once again short-shrifting our kids!!!

We at the UFT demand Chancellor Klein return the salaries of DOE brass to their former levels unless said salary hikes can be offset by productivity concessions for said DOE brass. Just as teachers had to give up their seniority rights, work longer hours and more days, teach a sixth class in high school and guard a potty room for 45 minutes a day, DOE brass should have to give something back to the people of this city before receiving a raise!

Now we at Unity, on the other hand, are entitled to a 5.5% raise without productivity givebacks for the first two years of the new 52 month teachers contract. Raises for the next two years and four months of the contract will be contingent upon some undefined productivity concession which we will agree to give back - perhaps less time in the Unity hot tub or fewer days at the union Labor Day Celebration in Atlantic City. But we work harder than all of the teachers, assistant principals, and principals in the system and we certainly work harder than the bureaucrats at Tweed. Therefore, we deserve a raise without productivity givebacks.

Plus, we changed the rules and voted ourselves the payraise in secret and declared it unanimously approved by the Executive Board. So if you don't like it, you rotten ICE-UFT bloggers and you fuckers at your Teachers for a Just Contract meetings, you can just go fuck yourselves (as Cleo Lacey would say!)

EVEN SCREW-UPS DESERVE A RAISE

2006-01-15T13:27:00.000-11:00

Those frozen brain cells at ICE are at it again. Whaa!, Whaa!, Whaa!
"Those screw-ups at Unity gave themselves a raise, and they don't deserve it!

Listen Up! We work our assess off and put in long hours and weekends too. Every summer we attend workshops. We are available all summer long to any member who can reach us at the Hamptons. Many times we work til 10pm handling grievances. How can you compare that with working til 11pm planning, composing assessments on the computer, phoning parents, marking papers and doing report cards? We must also meet with the LIS and attend countless union meetings that go on forever because ICE never shuts up. On top of that, we attend countless political cocktail parties as well as any function LGF deems necessary. It's really hard having to drink martinis while conducting small talk. And, we are personally responsible for getting teachers to vote for the contract by scaring them to death with lines like "This is the best we can do." (Fuck TWU for screwing that line up!)

A big part of our job requirement is meeting with teachers. Just today I visited a school. I was trapped there for 3 lunch periods listening to complaint after complaint. I keep telling these people File A Grievance! Whaa! Whaa! They don't want to put up with the retribution. Well, I don't want to put up with these principals either. Remember you have to be an aggrieved party to file grievances. DR's can't file them for you! Fight your own F-ing battles!

The teachers' lounge was dingy with falling plaster and a stale order. I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there and back to my cozy, air-conditioned office. After the garage attendant parked my Mercedes, I headed for my office. I had a nice cup of coffee, put my feet up, and admired the exquisite view of downtown Manhattan. Then I proceeded to go through my mail and phone messages.

My day wasn't over yet:

First: Get my best friend a Teacher Center position.
Second: Get my good friend, a Chapter Chair, a per session job with the Union.
Third: Get my friend's son a teaching position in a good school (where I just happen to get along with the LIS).

Next: Arrange symposiums with other AFT representatives around the country.

First stop: Vegas
Second stop: Los Angeles
Third Stop: South Beach

Later I happened to pass the reception area where teachers were waiting to see other representatives. I noticed them marking tons of paperwork, working on lesson plans, and writing comments on writing pieces. I'm so glad I don't have to put up with all that shit either. And the thought of handling all those kids and discipline problems- never again! The only potty duty I want to do is in the Executive Wash Room. (Oh how I love those 100% Egyptian cotton hand towels LGF insists upon.)

Well if this doesn't convince you that we work damn harder than the teachers we are supposed to serve and deserve a raise, SCREW YOU!

Whistleblower Law

2006-01-10T00:53:00.000-11:00

Just wanted everybody to know that Le Gran Fromage and Unity are working on a new whistleblower law to protect Unity caucus members from opponents like Teachers for a Just Contract, New Action, and ICE.

The new whistleblower law, known as Operation Pushback will work like this: if a Unity opponent starts chirping around school about how Le Gran Fromage got taken in the contract talks or shows up at union meetings declaring "potty patrol" sucks or talks to fellow teachers in the elevator about the need for union reform and/or union official term limits, just send an email to "Iamharassed@UFT.org" and Unity will send over a couple of union hacks like Cleo Lacey to blanket your school with Unity propaganda and let those Unity opponent punks they cannot badmouth Le Gran Fromage and the hard work she does for all of us.

Operation Pushback should go into effect the first week in February when the rest of the new contract is implemented.

Operation Pushback is just more proof of a better working life through the policies of le Gran Fromage and Unity.

Raises for UFT Staff

2006-01-06T15:23:00.000-11:00

Here is some great news for all of you who were not at the last Executive Board meeting where my loyal subjects approved the following resolution:

Motion: To approve the following:

Raises for UFT Staff (For Period Covering May 2003-October 2005) Resolution

Resolved, that the UFT Staff will receive the increases in the same manner as those negotiated by the UFT represented school system employees. Carried

When this gets out to the members, you may find the disgusting, disloyal, people in TJC, ICE and the UTP who would denigrate our great achievements, will start spreading rumors that we are getting money and not doing lunchroom duty or working 37 and a half minutes more a day. We will show they are vicious liars. Just stop by any restaurant on Broadway sometime between 12 and 2 and make sure there are no disruptive students wrecking the place. Then, when confronted, you can call our critics dirty liars - be sure to scream this out loud so others can hear you.

As for the 37 minutes, I am mandating that you find some time - even during the summer - to stop by and chat a bit with your colleagues both before you report to work and after you leave. If it's a few minutes less than 37 - up to 30 minutes less - don't worry about it. Just make sure to say the word "grievance" at least 3 times at some point so you can say you were working.

Here's hoping you enjoy your new windfall as we move towards our goal of having every Unity member earning six-figure salaries. With the givebacks in the next contract I think we can accomplish our aims.

LGF

MONEY DOWN THE TOILET

2006-01-06T12:47:00.000-11:00

The DOE will now fund the Leadership Academy so more morons can be principals. They will also spend $10 million marking the ELA. (It seems that Klein was upset that districts used to do it cost-effectively.)

They should take a financial page from Unity.

Remember when Le Gran Fromage spent $1 million for a curriculum guide. Now that was good thinking. It was going to be her greatest accomplishment. She was going to show those idiots how it should be done. Hacks like me were hired to put together what was supposed to be "the guide to end all guides!" Well I can tell you, I worked my butt off. (I now have a remodeled kitchen to prove it!) Then NYTeacher announced its debut. We were so excited that we put together such a costly guide-- and NOT one teacher on the face of this planet ever got a copy!

Did we realize we poured your dues money down the toilet?
Of course!
We have seen the error of our spending ways.
Why do you think we are working so hard to get you new toilets.?

More Goodness from Unity: The New Toilet Initiative

2006-01-05T16:54:00.000-11:00

We at Unity have already brought you the wonderful addition of extra soft, double-ply toilet paper to all DOE bathrooms in the last contract negotiations. Le Gran Fromage, always thinking, has decided she should remain fixated on the bathroom for the next negotiation, and is thinking of demanding the following from Mayor Bloomberg and/or the City of New York in the next contract:

1. Soap to be placed in all DOE bathrooms that doesn't feel dirtier than actual dirt or make you want to run your hands along the ground until all such soap had been scraped clean from your skin

2. New toilet seats to be placed on all DOE toilets. The old days of clinging to the sides of the stall and/or just going with the flow will end if Le Gran Fromage has her way and teachers of all stripes will be zooming along in comfort soon.

3. The new, cleaner soap demand will be useless if most DOE bathrooms continue to lack running water. Therefore Le Gran Fromage will be demanding that all DOE bathrooms be fixed maybe by the time the next contract expires, which is possibly in 2010 if all goes well with everything that could go well. This new "water" demand remains only a possibility, though like the 25/55 pension change, it will likely be a very great possibility in the near or semi-far future.

4. Many doors to the DOE bathroom stalls have been removed in the past and used to construct furniture for the teachers' lunchroom and/or lounge. These DOE bathroom stall doors will now be returned to their rightful places in DOE bathrooms and teachers will just have to find something else to eat around or sleep on during their off periods. Since there will be less off periods in subsequent contracts, this should not be a problem anyway.

5. Finally, Le Gran Fromage and Unity will insist that all teachers who have been given "potty patrol" for their professional assignments will only be required to carry around a plunger and snake as part of their "potty patrol uniform." Unity will argue that the full complement of plumber paraphernalia is too cumbersome for teachers to lug around while "facilitating with the ingress and egress of said person or persons into or out of restroom facilities." In addition, Unity will note that teachers are actually professionals trained in education, not plumbing. Therefore teachers cannot be expected to fix more than backed-up sink or overstuffed toilet in DOE bathrooms without the DOE providing more training and/or professional development in this area. If such training and/or professional development is provided for in this area by the DOE, Unity will insist teachers receive a free DOE issue plunger/snake as part of their training. As a long-time teacher herself, Le Gran Fromage knows that a prepared teacher is a successful teacher.

These toilet initiative demands, if successful, will restore the respect and dignity that teachers feel they have lost in recent years. We here in the Unity caucus know that teaching is all about respect and dignity and this is why we are insisting that the mayor take the next contract negotiation sessions and place them where they belong - in the bathroom.

A Message of Unity for the New Year

2006-01-01T05:04:00.000-11:00

My friends in and out of the Unity caucus, 2005 was a year of extraordinary successes for the United Federation of Teachers union. We made huge gains for UFT members in the new contract we negotiated with Mayor Bloomberg, including the addition of two days of work, a sixth class of 37.5 minutes, potty patrol/hallway patrol/cafeteria duty as a mandated professional period responsibility for those UFT members with little building seniority, and best of all, the concession of softer toilet paper in all DOE bathrooms as well as the right to grieve toilet paper that is too rough and sandpaper-like to meet the "squeeze test" right from the bathroom stall.

As Ed Norton, the Chef of the Past on The Honeymooners, would say, "Amazin!!!'"

All of these incomparable contract successes could not have been won for UFT members without the superlative leadership of Le Gran Fromage and the superior negotiating strategies of the Unity caucus, and yet some in our union would have UFT members believe there has been a failure of leadership at the top of the union. These naysayers, these dead-enders, want union members to believe that new leadership is needed to take the United Federation of Teachers forward into 2006 and beyond.

To these dead-enders I bang my shoe on the table and say, "Nyet!!!

The United Federation of Teachers does not need fresh leadership, term limits for union leaders, or a fair, democratic process in elections. The United Federation of Teachers needs entrenched leadership, life-long appointments and plenty of patronage perks for union leaders, and an undemocratic process in elections where the outcome is already determined by Le Gran Fromage and the executive board.

In other words, what the United Federation of Teachers needs in 2006 is the status quo and plenty of it.

Now some in our union say that next year's election will be a referendum on Le Gran Fromage and the Unity caucus, particularly since 37% of the rank-and-file voted against the last contract and a large opposition movement has begun to emerge from the grassroots. To these people I say, our union rank-and-file do not have to worry about a reform party taking over the UFT in the coming election next year and jeopardizing all of the wonderful successes Unity plans for the near future because we have already printed up the ballots for the 2007 presidential election and filled them out for members. We are pleased to announce that Le Gran Fromage will win the 2007 presidential election with 91% of the vote while Jeff Kaufman of ICE will receive -12%.

-12%!!! Can you imagine that? This vote goes to show how much silent support there is for the status quo in the UFT and how much opposition there is to reform.

So, as we embark upon this new year of 2006 and look to meet the challenges of conceding another 20 years of contract rights in the near future, I would like to urge UFT members to come together to support Unity and Le Gran Fromage. As Le Gran Fromage said last night from the hot tub at the UFT New Year's Eve Bash and Small Marshmallow Roast:

In Unity, we have victory. In ICE, we have Global Warming. Remember, War is Peace, Hate is Love, and Contract Concessions for less than a COLA are all-good and always to be passed by Diebold vote.

Indeed. God bless Le Gran Fromage, God bless Unity, and God bless all of you in the union who keep LGF and Unity in the offical UFT hot tub sipping champagne and looking forward to two pensions in their retirement.

Promises Made, Promises Kept

2005-12-31T07:06:00.000-11:00

When we started on the road to a contract I promised you we would fight for a decent contract. I kept my promises without compromising the core values that are the foundation of our union.

Now that hidden agreements are emerging from the TWU settlement, I am proud to reveal, as a New Year present to you, my loyal members, the top-secret hidden agreements we made with the Department of Education.

Frankly, I had some doubts that I could deliver on this one. But with our COPE contributions, we applied intense pressure. Thus, we were able to procure a double-digit raise in the amount of toilet paper in teacher bathrooms -– a 15% increase in the toilet paper allocation. 8% is guaranteed while the extra 7% will go to those who spend an extra 37.5 minutes in the bathroom. And it won’t be the cheap rough kind either. Softer Charmin-like. But if some rough toilet paper should slip in, we have procured an increase in the hemorrhoids allowance from GHI.

New grievance procedure
If rough toilet paper exceeds 20% of the total, we have gotten an expedited grievance procedure whereby you can file directly from the bathroom and an arbitrator will be dispatched immediately from central headquarters at the Tweed Courthouse to visit you in the stall to make an immediate decision. And best of all? If any toilet paper ends up in your file, you can ask to have it removed after 3 years.

This ammunition should help you respond to my critics who claim Roger Toussaint did better than I did. Just point out that the TWU got nothing in terms of improved toilet paper. Toussaint can’t hold a candle to me.

LGF

HELP! Damaged Fromage

2005-12-30T17:00:00.000-11:00

I need help from my esteemed and wonderful colleagues in Unity, colleagues who have sacrificed countless minutes, hours, days, years, decades of loyal service to the minions who toil in anonymous abstinence from the spoils of the beneficence of Unity membership.

While doing my hourly genuflection to the 20 foot tall statue of Le Gran Fromage I have in my bedroom, my pith helmet, with the lovely coal minor light (see, I'm not just an arrogant schmuck, but truly of the working class) accidentally stuck a corner of Ms. Fromage and knocked a piece off. The Unity Policing Unit (the dreaded UPU) is due within the hour for their daily inspection and search of my premises for contraband ICE materials and will undoubtedly see the damage to Fromage. I need an emergency repair immediately. Any suggestions?

The Party of the Year

2005-12-30T15:00:00.000-11:00

I am live blogging from Le Gran Fromage's Day Before New Year's Eve Party here on the Upper West Side of Manhattan!!!

I can't tell you how exciting this night has already been and we've only made it to the soup course so far!!!

First off, nobody but nobody throws a party like Le Gran Fromage - not even Dennis Kowlowski. When I first arrived at the party, unemployed actors and/or occasional per diem teachers (OPDs) were standing in the lobby dressed as Roman slaves handing out party favors and little bottles of airplane booze for the glass elevator ride up to Le Gran Fromage's duplex. I quickly polished off my little airplane bottle of Victory Gin and waited breathlessly for my elevator ride up.

Once I got upstairs, I could hear the magnificent strains of Yanni wafting down the hallway to the elevator. At first I thought Le Gran Fromage had bought a new stereo system, but lo and behold, she had hired Yanni for the evening to entertain us!!! After I finished shrieking my head off in excitement and ran over to get Yanni to sign my cummberbund, I couldn't wait to go see Le Gran Fromage and thank her again for my promotion to official UFT Minister of Truthiness.

But before I describe my meeting with Le Gran Fromage, let me tell you a little bit about her apartment. As we all know, Le Gran Fromage is an Imperial Rome history buff and she had decked her apartment out in 1st Century Roman decor so real that it would have fooled even Petronious, the famous Roman playwright and friend of Emperor Nero. The pond in the middle of the apartment sparkled with moonlight from the skylight and famous people from all walks of life dotted the crowd. I saw Bill and Melinda Gates chatting away with Liza Minelli and John Lithgow while Mayor Michael Bloomberg and his ladyfriend were yucking it up with that mensch of mensches, Chancellor Klein, and Elizabeth Rohatyn, the wife of former Ambassador to France Felix Rohatyn. More out of work actors/occasional per diems wandered through Le Gran Fromage's spacious duplex with trays full of expensive liquor and scrumptious, delectable hors d'oeurves that just melted right in your mouth and I noticed that Liza had already enjoyed more than her share of Le Gran Fromage's excellent vino.

And then I beheld that most pleasing of union leaders, that most delightful of companions, that most wonderful of bosses - Le Gran Fromage!!! She looked just like her pictures on all those posters she has hanging in her apartment, though she is a little skinnier than she looks on all those TV monitors she has around playing her speeches over and over again. But nothing can beat kneeling down and kissing her hand while reasserting my ever-dying fealty to her union presidency!

Dear EdzUp readers, I will have to cut this live blogging short because the first meat course is coming and I can't pass up the opportunity to dine on grilled zebra. But suffice it to say, this party at Le Gran Fromage's has been all I dreamed it would be and more. Later after dinner, we will be singing hymns to the greater glory of Le Gran Fromage with the help of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the rest of this small gathering of Le Gran Fromage's closest 200 friends and then I hope to get just a moment more to tell Le Gran Fromage again how thankful I am for my elevation to the position of UFT Minister of Truthiness.

Well, that's all for -

OMIGOSH!!! Chancellor Klein and Melinda Gates have gotten into a shoving match over the last piece of grilled zebra. I cannot believe Mrs. Gate's just bitch-slapped the chancellor like that!!! This is not looking good, I hope that -

Oh, no, now Liza's gotten involved!!! She just picked up the cheese knife!!! Does anybody want some cheese? No, I don't think so...

I don't know how this is going to end, but I hope it doesn't make it into the papers!!! You know how Zuckerman and Murdoch love to embarrass Our Great Union Leader. I'll have to let you know later tonight, after the police sort this mess out, or maybe tomorrow when I'm live blogging from the UFT New Year's Eve Party down at UFT headquarters.

Anyway, ta ta for now...Owwww!!!! Watch where you're going with that, Liza, for god sake's. I can't be Minister of Truthiness if you cut my tongue out!!!

Join Unity and See the World!

2005-12-30T06:31:00.000-11:00

Earn extra cash too!!

By not joining Unity, you are missing a trip to lovely Boston to the AFT Convention in this summer. Just think of it: you could be with 800 other Unity brothers and sisters, all expenses paid by the dupes that elected us. And don’t forget the yearly NYSUT conventions, unfortunately held somewhere in New York State. But we promise to do what we can to move these conventions to Paris. And you can do what you like at these conventions because you don’t have to be responsible to the membership.

Worried about getting elected? No sweat. We have stacked the deck in your favor through AT-LARGE VOTING, where the entire membership, including the over 50,000 retirees get to vote for you. And you only have to run every 3 years. (Don’t you wish it were 10?)

YOU CAN EARN EXTRA CASH AFTER SCHOOL WITHOUT HAVING TO TEACH ADDITIONAL TIME!
When you join Unity you become eligible for an after school union job. Get the same pay as all those non-Unity teachers slaving away in after school programs. And you get an extra UFT pension. Don’t worry about competition from non-Unity members. These jobs are never posted and are reserved solely for YOU!!! Demonstrate total loyalty and you can get the big enchilada: A FULL-TIME UNION JOB!

Here’s all you have to do: Take a blood oath to be loyal to whatever policies the leadership hands down. Vote the way you are told to at AFT and NYSUT conventions and at the Delegate Assembly. Now for the easiest part: convince yourself that any dissent from the leadership’s views is destructive and anti-union. Make sure to attack and browbeat anyone in your school who might be reading ICE, UTP or TJC literature. Pull any leaflets you see from mailboxes. Rat out anyone expressing an anti-unity point of view to the principal.

UNITY CAUCUS: WE STAND FOR DEMOCRATIC UNIONISM

2005: Best Year Ever For UFT Members

2005-12-30T05:41:00.000-11:00

It has been a remarkably successful year for Unity caucus members and the United Federation of Teachers as a whole. In fact, I would modestly say that 2005 has been the best year ever for UFT members, even given the years when Albert Shankar and Sandy Feldman were running this union and winning great victories for New York City public school teachers.

When we started this year, UFT members only taught five classes, enjoyed a summer vacation until after Labor Day, had the ability to grieve letters placed in their files by administrators, worked only 6 hours and 40 minutes a day, and had a vast choice of menu options for their professional periods.

Now that the year is ending, UFT members teach six classes, come back from summer vacation before Labor Day and begin teaching classes right after Labor Day, no longer have the ability to grieve letters placed in their files by administrators, work an extra ten minutes, and no longer have a vast choice of menu options for their professional periods. Instead, many UFT members will be given cafeteria duty, potty patrol, or crowd control for their professional assignments, depending upon their building seniority.

And UFT members received all of these wonderful additions to their contract with the extra added bonus of a "raise" that doesn't even amount to cost of living adjustment!!!

What an extraordinary array of successes Le Gran Fromage and the rest of the Unity caucus have brought to UFT members considering the harsh anti-union climate that pervades American society today and the mean mayor at City Hall who spends every waking hour finding ways to squeeze money from the working and middle class.

Just think what this contract would have been like without the striking leadership and superior strategy skills of Le Gran Fromage? You might have gotten a raise that doesn't even amount to a cost of living adjustment without having to concede twenty years of contract provisions in one shot.

And what fun would that have been?

I got many emails from UFT members before the contract vote who complained that they didn't have enough to do during their work day. Many of these members told me that they were bored by their jobs trying to educate New York City's children and wanted to add some menial labor to their day, like sweeping floors, working as a security guard, or cleaning toilets.

Guess what? Under the new contract provisions, these UFT members will get their wishes. In fact, even members who didn't want to add menial labor to their job responsibilities will now have to guard a potty, duck stale pizza in the cafeteria, and/or parade up and down school hallways searching for students who are cutting class.

And what more wonderful way can you think of for UFT members to become better teachers and more useful human beings than by guarding a potty, doing cafeteria duty or patrolling hallways for 43 minutes a day?

In many of the emails I received, teachers also complained that they didn't have enough paperwork to grade or attendance records to keep under the old contract. Luckily Le Gran Fromage was able to get Uncle Joel to add a 37.5 minute sixth class four times a week to give these bored teachers something to do with their unused hours. Unfortunately there is no sixth class on Fridays (sadly known as "Five Class Fridays"), so many teachers find themselves having an extra 37.5 minutes of time with no students around to tell them to go fuck themselves, no illegible, barely literate papers to read (excpet for the DOE memoranda, of course), and no bubble sheets to bubble.

But in the next contract, Le Gran Fromage hopes to make the work week consistent by adding a sixth class for Fridays. We here at EdzUp are keeping our fingers crossed, of course, because we love teaching, we love the kids, and we would be doing this job even if we had to pay Uncle Joel money to get us through the metal detectors at our school sites. Of course, many of us here at EdzUp haven't been inside a classroom since the Lindsay administration, but nonetheless we love teaching, love the kids and would pay to do this great job!!!

Now if I had some more time to dish out the truthiness, I could tell you about the wonders of working in an un-air conditioned building in August, the delight of not being able to grieve a letter placed in your file by an administrator, or the gratitude we all should feel for receiving a raise that doesn't even amount to a cost of living adjustment. Unfortunately I do not have time to dish out any more truthiness because I have to attend a Day Before New Years Eve Party at Le Gran Fromage's apartment tonight and my ice sculpture isn't completed yet. But be assured that I will continue to set Unity opponents straight in my future posts here at EdzUp and make sure that you, the EdzUp reader, have learned something valuable, truthful, and genuine about Le Gran Fromage and the rest of the heroes toiling under the patronage perks of the Unity caucus.

Now I must find my cummerbund.