Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Idiots Who Run Charters

Charters are like, not good. The people who run em aren't, ya know, sophisticated like we are. They don't talk good, and what they do talk about, ya know, is not Shakespeare and jazz music. I love shakepspeare, especially the parts that have jazz music.

But those charter guys, they're all like duh, we like charters. As you know, we in the UFT run our own charter, and we never say like duh, we like charters, because we're all like, hey let's go listen to jazz and talk about shakespeare. That's because we're from New York, and everyone knows New Yorkers are smarter than everyone in the rest of the country, especially those morons who are all like, duh we like charters. Why don't they like shakespeare and jazz, like us classy teacher types?

Everyone knows why these people tell lies, and it's because they're all like, duh unions are no good. Well, I'm here to tell you they're very good. I clear 120,000 bucks a year (before doing special jobs, so watch out you punk bastards thinking about criticizing me, goddamnit) and that's more than those charter school teachers make. In fact, that's more than public school teachers make.

We're all like, let's make things better for teachers, and that's why we have them doing potty patrol and teaching the sixth class (which is not a sixth class, you dirtbag lying bastards) and getting suspended without pay over nothing. We teachers (and by that I mean you teachers) are all modern and updated.

We worked hard to negotiate that last contract. We went to PERB, took whatever the hell they gave us, and sold it to the duespayers. Do you think that was easy? Do you know how many arms I had to twist (and break) to make that happen?

So don't go defending the idiots who rund charters to me. Well, I gotta go see if there's any shakespeare on the tube, because I gotta spend the extra hour here in UFT headquarters. Here's one "Shakespeare in Lust," on the After Dark channel, which runs 24/ 7 (I know.)

Gotta go improve my mind. Your comments are welcome, but remember we know who you are, duespayers.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

New Teacher Diary

Note: This is the first in a series of "New Teacher Diaries" here on Edzup. Please refrain from commenting on any issues that actually relate to teachers (particularly the contract) and say only good things in the comment section.

-Komedybiz

When Pablo set the desk on fire for the fourth time I was nearing the end of my patience. My supervisor had warned me that he was tired of calling the fire department to school, and the principal claimed that such incidents were "black eyes" for him. He instructed me to focus more on "feathers in his cap."

Still, while I wanted to chastize Pablo, I noticed that Mary and Soo Jin were climbing out the window. I couldn't tell whether they were trying to escape the flames or simply cut class again. Being on the third floor, though, I felt I needed to do something. I decided to call the dean. Imagine my surprise when I opened the phone box to find the handset had been stolen for the third time this week.

I debated whether I should use my cell phone, but while reaching for it I discovered someone had once again filched it from my pocket. Probably one of my damn students. Thank goodness I'd finally bought insurance for it. While I was contemplating this, I couldn't help but notice that Jim and Frank were once again beating Sandy to a pulp. Sandy's parents had been in to complain of this on multiple occasions, and were very unreasonable when I explained that Jim and Frank had issues with impulse control and were working them out.

I can't wait for the summer. It's not because I want to relax and have fun, but because I want to recharge my batteries, and regain my enthusiasm. I just want to continue helping these kids.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

A Vote for Unity is a vote for unity

UFT chapter leader/delegate elections are being held this month in schools all across the city. It is important that UFT rank and file support only Unity members for chapter leader and/or delegate. The union must be unified in its struggles with Chancellor Klein and Mayor Bloomberg. The union can only be unified through unity - which means voting for Unity.

Some may ask "why Unity?" To which Unity responds all Unity members must sign loyalty oaths and secrecy pledges to Le Gran Fromage and the greater glory of Unity. Therefore, it is a secret why you should vote for Unity and as a loyal Unity member I cannot expose these Unity secrets. Suffice it to say Le Gran Fromage and Unity have your best interests at heart, so long as they do not conflict with Unity's interests. Therefore we will fight to make sure that the next teachers contract does not give away extra time, extra days, tenure, health care and other hard won teacher rights unless that fight would detract from Unity's perks and privileges (and more importantly Le Gran Fromage's perks, privileges, and future political career).

In unity is power and in Unity are perks and privileges, which is why we intend to keep power (whether you vote for us or not). Nonetheless you'd make it easier for all of us in the union to stay unified if you'd vote Unity so that we don't have to Diebold the elections.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

URRPP: UNITY Rubber Room Protection Plan

URRPP is HERE!!!!

The UNITY Coordinating Hotline (UCH) reports a plan to squeeze even more money out of the members. As you Unityites know, we have offered as part of your UNITY dues structure, not only attendance at conventions (almost a thousand of us are in Rochester with two days off) at the members’ expense, but rubber room protection where our glorious leaders work behind the scenes on your behalf, even arranging transfers for you if you have problems with your principal. And if you should find yourself in the rubber room, we make sure you are treated well. We smuggle in chips and hot coffee and maybe even a sandwich or two. And we make sure you get chairs to sit on and not on rugs like the peons.

Now we are expanding our plan to the rest of the members. For just 10% of their salary we will offer them the same protection. (Well, maybe without the extra sandwich – that will be an additional 5%.) And for a few bucks extra we will even bribe your supervisors to leave you alone by offering them access to our special Top of the UNITY Pyramid (TUP) lounge in the penthouse at 52 Broadway. We can’t even repeat anything about the luxuries we have there so don’t ask or we will have to kill you.

The extra funds we collect will be used to buy upgrades for your hotels in Boston at the AFT convention this summer where you get to spend five days gamboling around Beantown at the members' expense.

LGF

Saturday, May 06, 2006

On Your Knees, Duespayers!

A poster responded to Cleo Lacey's typically excellent post by asking why we had not moved faster to help place a falsely accused teacher back in his classroom. The ingratitude! How dare you question Unity! How dare you take my name in vain!

If it were not for our negotiations, there wouldn't even be a regulation calling for 90-day unpaid suspension for UFT members! Do you think it was easy to negotiate that clause? It was hard work! I almost spilled my champagne during the conference call in which we wrote it.

As Cleo Lacey stated very clearly, we only wish to protect the teacher in question. We have carefully considered the matter, and determined the teacher in question would prefer no further invasions of his privacy.

As you can see, our best course of action is to ignore the matter altogether. And rest assured, we may do the same for you someday.

I will be making a brief appearance in front of UFT headquarters on Monday in case anyone wishes to touch the hem of my garment.

Finally, if Propaganda Pete is around, I adored your last email. You are an animal!

As for the rest of you, continue reading this blog, NY Teacher, and Edwize. That will provide you with all the information you need to have. You don't need any more.

You may rise.

LGF

Monday, May 01, 2006

Lissen Up, Youse Perverts!

We've established a policy of zero tolerance for all youse man-boy love types. You know who you are.

So if yer accused, you get suspended for 90 days without pay. That's only if we're pretty sure you're guilty though.

Now if yer accused, and ya don't read about it here, that's cus we're tryin ta protect your rights, see? We know how you value yer privacy, so while yer in the rubber room with the other father-rapers, or out selling hot dogs on the street ta raise money fer yer mortgage payment, we won't say a word.

Count on Unity!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Glory of Unity Revels in a New Covenant with Our Throbbing Members

Our union, headed by the illustrious and heartbreakingly beautiful, collopcoquesttish Le Gran Fromage, hallowed be Her name, has ventured into the beneficent business of aiding in the recruitment of pedagogues, that we may more readily enhance the lot of our youngsters. Now, the dystopian ICE followers, and Gloomy Guses everywhere may bemoan our lack of magnamosity toward the file and rank, the dark and dank, the sailed and sank, the sum at bank, the fishy tank, the common man, not to mention the distaff contingent, but I say, FIE on those ne'er do wells and miscreants, scattering their filth upon the barren ground of opposition.

Call me sesquipedalian, rapscallion, a philodox, even but I say, as I search for esprit de l'escalier, damn the zugzwang, and I refuse to live in canstant scheissenbedauern. Their tone is that of criticasters, sandblasters, forecasters, and Telecasters!

That should be proof enough to any rational soul that we've once again defended, to the core of our very beings, the right of every pedantic prig to be zealously defended, and thoroughly innocent until proven guilty, whether or not they've been tossed out on their rears for being in arrears as a result of the wonderful 90 day unpaid suspension we cannily negotiated. Le Gran Fromage, all glory be to Her name!

Therefore, the incentive for new teachers is a good thing, brought forth by Unity, and anyone who doesn't like it should not dare speak against Unity, as that is the height of heresy and barabarism.

Praise be to Le Gran Fromage, for all She does, come hither come nigh, for you and for I, and resist the resistentialism!